I sit here & think to myself over & over again as to how I will live my life & who I will be in the years to come.  Not that I hate who I am.  It's just what I am I highly dislike.  Every day I stare down at my female form & wonder what it'd be like to be a man & have everything they do.  I look at my chest & say, "This would be why I cannot go topless in the world."  I hate that fact!  It ridiculious!  Men can go topless & women can go bottomless!  Absolutely profound!  I've had the sex change idea for years, but never told anyone, because I was afraid of their reaction. . .I did tell some friends, but that's about as far as I told so far.  For years I've done nothing, but question myself as what I want to really w/ my body.  Should I keep it, because I already inform myself as a lesbian. . .To be honest, being a lesbian doesn't feel right to me. . .I always feel like a gay guy when I'm w/ a woman & not a lesbian. . .I've had that feeling for years.  I tried to be straight when I was younger, because that was the expected thing to do when you're a teen girl.  More like yeah right try again dummy!  I mean, yeah I'm a butch & $#!%, but still. . .It just doesn't suit me.  Ever time I here the word girl informing to me, I want to hurl & just scream "I'm a guy God Damnit! Leave Me Alone!". . .Then I remember I have a female's chest & not a man's. . .If I had a mirror in my room, I'd do nothing but stare at my body for hours on end.  Questioning myself rather to get a sex change or not.  It'd be kind of hard now, because I already have a lesbian's life.  Plus I'm already thinking of having a lil girl.  Which doesn't help my matters any....This at times gets overwhelming.  Fills my head w/ nothing, but sadness & possibly regret.  Once the process is done though, there is no going back to who I used to be....


(TO BE FINISHED LATER)