Since last weeks bull$#!% & myself having nothing but nightmares. . .I can't say enough but to scream in my mind & want nothing more but to be free from my nightmares. . . .The thought of a sex change doesn't leave me.  Instead it haunts me as I try & sleep through the night...I do nothing, but toss & turn waking up almost every 10 minutes about 2-3 hrs a night. . .At times I can't drive myself back to sleep & I hate it...I wake up w/ heart pounding nightmares wondering if I'll die in my sleep...God I hope not...The frustration & irritation I go through almost everyday so far. . .I honestly don't know how much longer I can hold on to myself w/out one day losing complete control of my life.  I fear it throughout my life.  Though I live my life as lesbian.  I don't regret it.  However, it's not regret that's holding me back & making my life a living hell.  It's the loss of love throughout my life.  I can feel myself dying inside & out...As the days go by, I simply just grow weaker & weaker...I've lost so much love since I moved to Pell Lake, WI. . .It's no joke, because it surely shows. . .I'm already starting to feel like I have nothing left anymore. . .It's easy to tell someone Good-Bye, but the hardest part is getting back what you had...


Anywho. . .I sit here listening to "Tik Tok" feeling hurt & questionable about what the hell to do about this & that.  I know for certain in reality I won't have a sex change.  It simply grosses me out way too much.  Obviously. . .*rolls eyes*  All my mind does is go back & forth w/ thoughts about endless things....Gives me a headache at times just trying to think. 


(-<) <3 :)

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